I love my Papa

Life for me hasn't been peaches and buttercups. Sometimes I think people see me and they think wow she must have had a wonderful childhood, look at that smile on her face, she grew up great; this is not true. When adults complain about how their parents spanked them or their parents were tough on them (when you know those people were disobeying) I just kind of look at them and nod, like OK, whatever you say. But really I'm thinking you don't even know what its like to have a "hard' child hood, I wish a spanking (from my mom) was all I got. The Lord asks us to forgive and Paul tells us to forget (hardest thing in my life).

The state of Arizona gave my papa the ability to take us in when we were little. I remember my papa being a very strict man, my grandma died when I was just a baby so it was just him and he was a painter (when houses were being built like crazy in Arizona). I remember him dropping us off at the babysitters house when it was still dark and watching "Wheel of fortune" until the babysitter actually woke up. I remember one time digging in the grass (after he told me not to) and he caught me and he said "Elizabeth, get in here" he was standing in the door way and on my way in he swatted my butt (not hard to be too painful, but hard enough for me to not do it again). I love my Papa. He is a good man. When I think of how I was looking for a man I wanted one that was a caring man that was a hard worker who loved me like my papa would think was right. He was always the one telling me "your a good girl, you know that?" He'd always tell me he loves me and how much I make him proud even though he hasn't been around to see what I'm doing. I think I really do make him proud; and that make me happy.

On the morning of my birthday, my papa called (he has never once called me on my birthday, he as always forgotten). I loved it! But I know its because he is getting more frail by the week, papa has had a lot of health problems in the past couple of years and I know its not going to get easier its only going to get worse. With all this being said. I am truly afraid my papa isn't saved and I am afraid to ask him if he is. I want to see him in heaven when I die. I want him to see God and for God to tell him "look at that little girl, you helped her get to where she is today without messing up too much. You were her influence and for that you are a good man of God. I want God to be proud of him because of the people I've influenced for the Lord.

A couple days ago I was sitting on the couch taking care of the bills when a fed ex man comes to the door and drops off a long skinny box that is addressed to "Master Mathew Poole". In the box was a little spider man fishing pole. I cried when I saw it. When I was little my papa would take me camping and fishing and he bought me my very first fishing pole, it was a yellow snoopy one.

I want my son to know his great papa and to know he was a great man for his mama when she as little, and someday he is going to see his papa up there in heaven.

Pray for me to have the courage to talk to my papa.